Week 6 - How does one slow down people pleasing?

The Hierophant Rx/ 5 of Pentacles Rx/ The Lovers Rx

People pleasing is a control mechanism. It stems from deep insecurity. But before we begin to judge ourselves, let’s dig deeper into why we do the things we do, even when they hurt us.

We live in a conundrum where the age of socialization and the age of identity formation are pretty much the same. When a child is just learning to understand that it is separate from its mother, it is thrust head first into the world of the “society”. Here the child must learn how to speak and understand what is being spoken to it so that it can follow the elders. This is really where people-pleasing begins. We want to be noticed. We want to evoke a response. And we want to feel positive about it. What better way to do this than by doing something or saying something that will make those looking at us smile.

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Fast forward to the future, and one day, we get tired of ourselves. We begin to question why we need to make people happy. We realise that not all our efforts are people - pleasing are yielding the results we wanted. We tried so hard to be so good but it seems like that is not a fool-proof plan. We feel sorry for ourselves. Why do we need to be so good? What is good, anyway? It is like waking up from a long, deep nap. A nap of conformity. A nap of manipulation. It doesn’t refresh us. It leaves us feeling half-dead. What woke us up was probably a physical response. An illness, a sinking feeling in the gut, or sleep playing hide and seek. Our body wakes us up from people-pleasing. The drug of appreciation begins to wear off. Everything we knew feels false. We begin to blame our parents, society, and even God for it.

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And then, a new journey begins. A turnaround, an unlearning of sorts. What worked can no longer work. So we don’t just walk slow, we walk in a new direction altogether. And before we walk outside, we walk within. Inside our own consciousness. We try and find a new way to relate to ourselves. Who am I? What am I doing here? How do I show up in the world? Why did I do what I always do? There are no elders, no teachers, no guides on this path. Not yet. So we walk alone. And as we walk, we realize, we are losing people. We are falling from grace, from the “good books” of others. We feel guilty and try to switch back to our old ways but the damage is done. The door is closed. We can no longer pretend to be that which we no longer can be.

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How does one slow down people-pleasing? Well, you slow down yourself. Slow down to one breath at a time. Then you slow down to, one moment, one person, one day, one thing at a time. Your focus will now be centered on the core of your being. With your back towards the world, you will finally begin to feel your own presence. Your own light. It will warm you. Like no one ever did. And as you begin to heal in your own presence, you will lose everything, everyone. You will detach from stories that fear and guilt have fed you all these years. You will let go of all that you depended on for survival. Things outside and inside of you. People, addictions, thought patterns. And you will realize, that you can be, all alone and more alive than ever.

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But this blissful state is not the end of your story. We are not meant to stop pleasing people. We are not meant to stay slow forever. After this experience, you will want to return to life, more alive than ever. You will not only please but also be more generous than you have ever been. Why? Because it will not be a stimulus caused from outside. It will be something that comes from within, on YOUR call. You will choose how to please, whom to please, and how much and when. And every time you give, you will discover who you really are. Your words will change. Your stories will change. And yes, you will feel your power.

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And this is when you will discover the secret that you couldn’t be entrusted with, as a child. The secret, my dear, is this - you no longer need to depend on anyone outside you to keep you alive and to keep you safe. You can meet your needs on your own. So be free. There is no need to please for survival. You are welcome to please out of love.