Week 11 - After a long period of setbacks, things are finally looking up for me. I am scared to be happy. What do I do?
2 of Wands/ Page of Cups Rx/ 6 of Cups/ Wheel of Fortune
What has seemingly always been, won’t always be.
As I begin to write this message, I am shown the image of a child who has just come back from school. He has had a bad day at school, where he was bullied by some older kids and then punished by his teacher for not completing his homework. As he enters his home, with his head hung low, he smells his favorite dish being cooked in the kitchen. His face lights up as he realizes what he will have for lunch. He eats to his heart’s content and then runs outside to play cricket with his friends. He eventually forgets what happened in school.
The scenario, to me, speaks about the ever-changing nature of our lives. As children we are more open to change even if we cannot understand that it is at play. As adults, we tend to trust change less. I cannot say what about adulthood makes this happen but I have a feeling that it has to do with the progressive disappearance of play from our lives. You see, in a game, change is the norm. You never know what is coming and you are prepared accordingly. You have no expectations because if you do, you will certainly be proved wrong. That is, if you play fair.
The demands of growing up in the civilized world train us to focus and hold on to every positive and negative event that comes our way as a brick in the wall of our lives. Instead of living moment to moment, we want to brand the various periods of life as good or bad. We want to look at the whole picture without realizing that the parts are always changing and eventually the big picture will also look different. We capture a snapshot of what it looks like at a moment, and then close our eyes, no longer looking at the subtle changes that are coming and going. We do this because as we grow older, we move from our bodies into our heads and our heads want to make sense of things, and to do that, things need to be static. The brain would be overwhelmed by an even changing scenario because then it cannot hold on to anything and therefore it cannot predict or control the outcome. It will feel powerless, and it needs to feel powerful to feel like it is still running the show. And when it runs the show, happiness is never on the agenda. Protection, self - preservation, and having a sense of "I knew it" is.
Your brain will not let you trust this change of events. But life is bigger than what we can ever perceive. Let that sink in. We can never really know what our life is. Even as you hold on to that static image of unhappiness, your life has shaken you up and shown you that it is changing. How can you be happy? You can only be happy if you allow yourself to let go of this habit of taking a snapshot of life and believing it to be the whole movie. You can only be happy if you allow yourself to believe that there will never be absolute happiness or sadness but moments that bring different emotions and the only constant is you moving through them. You will not be afraid to be happy, if you knew, life always changes, the wheel keeps moving and nothing will last for too long unless you let it. You will be happy if you accept that some things are in your control and others aren't and that's the dance of life that you need to match your steps to.
You will not be scared to be happy if you imagine life as a wheel, that is moving clockwise and you as a wheel inside it, moving anti - clockwise. As it progresses, allow yourself to walk back into innocence, letting go of all the images you've captured, all the ideas you've accumulated, and all the knowledge you burden yourself with. The more you empty yourself, the lighter you will feel. And like your childhood self, you will be able to play the game of life in a way that you enjoy.